Questioning feelings of failure

April 17. 2019.

I was told the impossible things about my life..

Because of that I often doubt my self and so much more. 
The day I walked through the college doors in 2013 I was not sure what I would make out of it but I knew I wanted to do something with the high school diploma that I earned. 

I started taking classes an excelling in them. Got all A's and B's mostly at every semester and maintain a 3.0 GPA most semesters.

I questioned myself every time saying I must be Gifted in a way I can't see only God can.

I was inducted into all the honors society that I fit the requirements for because of my academic achievement.
Most college students require some days to be "sleepless days".

I never have those days I did my assignments, homework, writing assignments from class, to papers, readings many chapters and studied all in one day if needed. By 10 the latest  11p.m my day has to completed

I look at my fellow peers doing deep studying all. I question what does that look like. Most of my days going on a college campus started at 8 30 and end at 4p.m most days due to staff schedule and the need for care taking. As well as transportation is not always that reliable.

Motivation took me through do it and get it done.. was my daily self talk.

It fooled me some how. I started to feel drained. every day over and over again.. my body felt different some pain that i never had before. I thought my bag was just heavy on me. I question failure in a way I question was I truly following  my purpose but I didn't see it until I started college.
Then the day came I was withdrawing my self from one less class each semester as came. I remember rolling in a class saying in my mind so no one can see a break down 
That was never me! 
The opportunity to transfer schools to take online classes and barely made it there. It was me and my thoughts within walls. The thoughts I just wanted to make it!
I got a chance to strive again through it all. I thought I was over it in a good way. Nope. At every chance I had  to achieve in the courses here came tears. ever time someone would question my progress here came emotions, frustration and tears. I would close it down roll away and feel relieved. How? 

When I set myself cleared and free.. I said I feel good. I feel so happy now. 
Some how I feel like I failed myself and those around me. I feel like I gave up! did I really? I am sorry. I kept a lot in silence during my college journey and until this day. I thought you would be against me for a lot. You expect great things from me I know I am sorry. 
Along my way I got lost in my life world 
forgot about my life. I feel confined sometimes. Just want to be free and do what makes me happy to full fill me instead of making me feel empty.
3 to 4 classes away from an associates degree I felt lost trying to see if my life would be different.. I feel like failed.. college was never what I truly desired. It was the first door that open for me
but its out of my control.
Was I truly following my purpose? 
Never want to feel like I failed 


I have my days 
But I want to show the world the possibilities on wheels